


Coach Z gets an intervention

by CircusEpidemic



Category: Homestar Runner
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Intervention, M/M, Not Serious, Problems, Puppy Play
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-24
Updated: 2018-03-24
Packaged: 2019-04-07 06:27:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14074917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CircusEpidemic/pseuds/CircusEpidemic
Summary: Coach Z has more than 2 problems, but today were only focusing on one of them





	Coach Z gets an intervention

**Author's Note:**

> Riley knows what they did

Coach Z was heading off to Marzipan's house today, she said she wanted to speak with him, this made Coach Z so excited he threw the phone and immediately started to head for her house. Marzipan usually doesn't allow him anywhere near her without threatening to call the police, so this was like Decemberween morning to him! He arrived at her house and knocked on her door, Marzipan answered it rather quickly, but Coach Z didn't care nor notice.

"Oh Coach Z! I'm not at all surprised you showed up on such quick notice!"

"Anything fer a lady as purdy as yoerself, Marzipan!"

"Just get in already." Said Marzipan, already tired of the weird old dude on her porch.

Coach Z strolled his way inside her hippy crib and was incredibly confused when he saw that in her living room there was multiple of towns residents. Standing in a corner as usual was Strong Sad, he had a writing pad out and was paying close attention, to his right was Bubs, who was pretty much Coach Z's boyfriend as far as relationships between two weird old men go, Strong Bad, The Cheat, and Strong Mad were there too, they didn't seem to care about the apparent party going on. Homestar was also there, he was wearing a collar sitting next to a doggy dish labelled "H R", Coach Z had no clue what to think about all this.

"Whort is going on?" Coach Z asked Marzipan, turning around to see her locking her door.

"Coach Z, this is an intervention, I invited everyone here to help you, because you NEED help."

"An intervorton?!" Coach Z was taken aback, out of all the possibilities that could've came out of this visit, this was what Coach Z was hoping for the least.

"Wait," Strong Bad interrupted, "you mean to tell me this  _isn't_  a party?" Marzipan just ignored him and went to go sit down on the couch.

"So, anyone want to go first?" Marzipan said, officially starting the intervention. Unsurprisingly, no one spoke for a solid minute, leaving everyone in an awkward silence, Coach Z was dripping with sweat. "Anyone? Anyone at all?" Marzipan looked around the room, nobody looked interested in saying anything, "how about you Strong Sad?"

"Oh, no. I'm mostly here to observe, this will give me so many great ideas for poetry and maybe even a short film!"

"A film? About me?" Coach Z began to get excited.

"Oh yeah! Lots of sad films involve a middle aged man going through a h-"

"How about you Bubs? You and Coach Z are dating right?" Marzipan set back onto the original topic.

"I'm only here for the free drinks!" Bubs chuckled, leaning on the couch.

"Bubs!" Marzipan said, frustrated "I invited you here because, as the only one in this town who isn't incredibly grossed by Coach Z, you SHOULD try and help him with his problem!"

"Did you ever say WHY we're hostin' this intervention? I mean I like hanging out with Coach and all, but if you've ever talked to this guy you'd know that his list of problems is off tha charts!"

"It's true!" Butted in Coach Z, "I gots  _wayyy_ more than two praeblems!"

Marzipan groaned loudly, "I already established this when I called everyone over the phone! It's because of Coach Z's drinking problem!"

"Wait really? Oat of all my prablems yer gonna pick the one that is the least warst?" Coach Z chortled to himself as Marzipan got even more frustrated.

"Coach Z! Bubs! This is serious!" Said Marzipan, who was fed up with all this, "now, Bubs, why don't you tell Coach Z why you think he should stop drinking."

"Woof woof! I agwee!" Barked Homestar Dog, who was drinking Melonade from the doggy dish. Strong Bad looked over from the conversation he was having with The Cheat and made an incredibly disgusted face.

"Okay Marzipan I don't mean to insult your lifestyle or whatever but  _ **WHY**_  is Homestar dressed like...  _ **that.**_ "

"You'll understand when you're in a relationship, Strong Bad."

"Hey!" Strong Bad was immediately taken aback, "I'll have you know I have like, 13 whole girlfriends!"

"It was 42 last I heard" Strong Sad chuckled to himself, Strong Bad immediately chucked a cup of Blue Drink at him. Bubs rolled his eyes and leaned off the couch and stepped towards Coach Z.

"Listen Coach, Marzipan wants me to tell ya that you shouldn't be drinking, so I am." Bubs turned and looked at Marzipan, who nodded to get him to continue, "uhm, so uh, yeah. Coach Z, drinking as much and as often as you do, that just ain't right. Try not drinking as often, I guess." Coach Z looked sadly at the ground and Bubs put a hand on his shoulder, "but hey man, if it'll help ya feel better, you can come by the stand and have a few drinks with me!"

"BUBS!" Marzipan shouted at him.

"What? I did what you told me to do!"

"The point of this is to get him to stop drinking! Asking him to have drinks later isn't gonna help!"

"Aw come on Marzipan! Drinking together is the number one way any two peoples can bond!" Coach Z nodded with Bubs and Marzipan just groaned in frustration.

"Alright!" Marzipan said with a passive aggressive smile, "who wants to go next?"

"Your hot mom!" Strong Bad shouted from across the room. He, The Cheat, and Strong Mad chuckled amongst themselves, then again Strong Mad's laugh can be more described as a guffaw than a chuckle.

"Alright Strong Bad, how about you take a turn with Coach Z?" Marzipan riposted.

"What? No? No. No no. I don't want to do that," Strong Bad shook his head, "also  _please_ do not describe this as 'taking a turn with Coach Z'..."

"Oh come on Strong Bad, I think you'd have plenty to say!"

"Oh no no no no NO! I am NOT doing that, The Cheat how about you? Graw Mad?" The Cheat made an angry Cheat noise and Strong Mad took a few steps back. "You guys freaking suck!" Strong Bad stepped forward closer to Coach Z.

"Well Strong Bad? Say something!" Marzipan's passive aggression was at peak at this point, Strong Bad groaned in response to her.

"Coach Z, did you know that uh..." Strong Bad tapped his foot trying to think, "drinking is... Not good, it is a very bad thing. That's why I do it, and you shouldn't." Strong Bad spoke in a monotone awkward way, he thought this was incredibly embarrassing, but Strong Sad seemed to enjoy it, quietly giggling to himself while trying to write along.

"Well geez Spring Bad that was incredibly insincere, but it still made me feel bard for my drinking prablem..."

"Good! That means I can get back to talking with The Cheat!" Strong Bad turned and walked back to the "party". Homedog Runner was chewing on a squeaky toy while rolling around on the floor, the whole atmosphere of Marzipan's living room was very uncomfortable.

"Okay! Two down, two to go, that is unless Strong Sad wants to go." Marzipan said to no one in particular, "The Cheat? How about you go next?" The Cheat made a series of angry noises and poured his drink on the floor and tossed it, he then made it over to Coach Z.

"Meh meh mr mer mirr ma ma meh. Meh meh meh mr. Meh? Meh mirr mir mi mi meh. Meh me meh? Meh." The Cheat cheated cheatily, Marzipan looked on as Coach Z's eyes started to water and Strong Mad was consoling a crying Strong Bad.

"G-Gorsh The Chort I... I don't know what to tink I..." Coach Z wiped his tears away, his voice was breaking now, "that was just so beyutiforl! This is rally making me want to sit down and take a good, hard look at my life..." Coach Z was full on sobbing now, Bubs awkwardly put his hand on Coach Z's shoulder in an awkward attempt at comfort. The Cheat made a triumphant noise and accordionned out of Marzipan's house, Strong Mad made a very upset looking face and followed after him.

Coach Z sat down on the couch with Bubs, head in hands. Until The Cheat had told him all that, he had never realized how badly drinking had affected him and his life. Coach Z took a deep breath and turned to face Marzipan "Marzi, I am incrudibly thankful for this, I promise from this day forward I will stop dronking so heavily! Only moderate amounts from this day forward!" Coach Z tried to sound as genuine as possible because he wanted to make sure Marzipan will believe him for this time he's actually serious about bettering himself.

"I'm glad you are beginning to reconsider your life!" Marzipan smiled brightly, "maybe soon you'll stop being so gross and start showering!"

"Lets not get hasty here Marzi!" Bubs chuckled to himself, "now come on Coach, let's go back to the stand, I'll give you a half off snow cone for twice the price!"

"Yeah... I like the sound of that Bubsy..." Coach Z and Bubs got up, arms around one another, and walked out of Marzipan's house.

"Huh, that went way better than I thought it would go!" Strong Sad said after so long of silence. Then Homestar Dog Pet yelped out, apparently while all that was going on Homestar was desprately trying to get the collar off, and he finally did.

"Oh man, I'm so glad I got out of this thing! It was sooooo uncomfortable, like sewiously, I pretty much stopped breathing a while ago. It was Messed. Up." Homestar started to ramble, he paused sometimes because he had to breathe.

Strong Bad just walked out, he was honestly scared at whatever was up with Homestar and Marzipan.


End file.
